>> In this episode, Islamophobia for Dummies goes to Libya:
Jon Stewart, The Daily Show: In our top story, the turmoil in North Africa,
or what we persist in calling "Mess O'The Whole Potamia Region"
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report: Frankly, I thought freedom spreading
throughout the Arab world would have a little more "zaz". Personally, I miss the
emotional heights of Egypt, it had everything, huge crowds, pyramids, chants of
a mummy attack. But since then, Yemen, more like yawn-man, Bahrain, bore-ain,
and Morocco, I could use a little less rocco. But folks, Libya is bringing the
Stewart: Libya, possessing a rare combination of massive oil reserves,
widespread poverty, and a **** leader who on a good day resembles a wax figure
of Danny Trejo that's been left out in the sun. President, for what little
remains of his life, Muammar Gaddafi has always somewhat defied description,
although I personally favor: if Jim Henson had made a Muppet version of Prince.
Colbert: This could be the end for Libyan strongman and exhausted Lionel Richie
impersonator, Muammar Gaddafi. He needs some sleep.
Lionel Richie: Oh, what a feeling, When we're dancing on the ceiling.
Colbert: A little less...somebody needs to do a little less dancing on the
>> Then came Gaddafi's first, riveting comments of motivation to his supporters:
Rihanna: Now that it's raining more than ever, Know that we'll still have
each other, You can stand under my umbrella, You can stand under my umbrella
Muammar Gaddafi (translator): Rest assured, though it is raining, I was going to
talk with the youth in Green Square and spend the night tonight, but it is
Stewart: Yes, I truly did want to raise my fist in solidarity, with those who
will soon be battling the determined opposition in what will be a fight to the
death, but...my hair in the rain, I get like a crazy Jew-fro, you know, the
>> And for 10 days, the Libyan people's peaceful protests were met with deadly
violence by Muammar Gaddafi:
Richard Engel, NBC News: Protesters have been waiting for a strong message
from Washington. Written in graffiti on the wall at that protester headquarters
today it said that President Obama must choose between the Libyan people or
>> And it's no surprise why it took the U.S. so long to make any comments about
Hillary Clinton, 2009: I am very pleased to welcome Minister Gaddafi here to
the State Department. We deeply value the relationship between the U.S. and
>> You see, "Relationships with Libya" have a lot of "VALUE" to:
- France’s Total S.A. oil company, French fighter jet sales
- The British Government, BP, British Banks, British Arms Manufacturers
- Chevron, Exxon-Mobil, Bechtel, Halliburton, General Dynamics and other U.S.
But how did Gaddafi manage to stay in power before the West started to "value"
Stewart: With all the costume changes and nutty talk, it does make you
wonder how a guy like this held power for 42 years, he's got to have something
more convincing up his sleeve, a sleeve, by the way, on a kaftan he appears to
have borrowed from Broadway legend Tyne Daly. What's Gaddafi's ace-in-the-hole?
ABC News: A catastrophe fueled not just by the Libyan military, but reportedly
by paid mercenaries from neighboring countries.
MSNBC: The Libyan leader called on his supporters to attack and kill
demonstrators, hunting them down house-to-house.
Stewart: Oh, that's right, he's a ruthless ****, I forgot. Hiring outsourced
African mercenaries to kill his own people. Where do you even find people who
will do that job? ActualMonster.com (monster.com is a recruiting website)
>> And what is Gaddafi's explanation for what is happening in Libya:
Gaddafi: We defied America from here, America with its power. We defy the
world atomic powers. A small group of youth who have been given hallucination
pills are raiding police stations here and they're like rats.
Stewart: So you're blaming America, and the world atomic powers, and whatever
the hell hallucination pills are.
>> Gaddafi has learned from the U.S. just how easy it is to blame "radical
Islam" for his own military aggression.
NBC: Kaddafi claimed, Al Qaeda is behind the revolt, Osama Bin Laden is
slipping Libyans hallucinogenic pills in coffee with milk, and that the pills
are distributed in Mosques with help from the U.S..
Stewart: Whoa! Wait a second. For 42 years, you fed America a ton of ****,
finally a populist uprising is about to take you down, and we have to share
credit with this guy? No, no, no my brother.
>> And just like the U.S. government "links" between Al Qaeda and Iraq,
Gaddafi's story is also a clear fabrication:
Anderson Cooper, CNN: What makes Gaddafi's "Al Qaeda pill-popping" theory
even harder to understand, and even more impossible to believe, is that it
contradicts the other central argument he and his government spokesman and his
Gaddafi Spokesman: Libya is the only country free of Al Qaeda in the region.
Cooper: If that's true, then how can you claim that Al Qaeda has been smuggling
in all these pills, distributing them, infiltrating all these coffee shops, and
continually drugging all these people.
Stewart: Wait a second, maybe it's true. Which would mean that right now,
Libya is a fight between African mercenaries, who are ruthless, and Al Qaeda.
This might be a good time for the U.S. to slowly back out of the room, because
that is some "Alien vs. Predator" ***.
>> The only person taking "hallucination pills" is Gaddafi himself, as he
clearly shows many stages of drug addiction:
>> And the 1st stage of drug addiction is DENIAL:
Gaddafi: No demonstration at all in the streets. They love me, all my people
(are) with me, they love me all. They will die to protect me, my people.
Stewart: They're hitting your picture in the face with shoes. "No, because they
think it's a poor likeness of me, that is all. They're angry at the quality of
the picture, this is all.
>> The 2nd stage of drug addiction is ANGER:
Zanga Zanga song:
(purify Libya) inch by inch
(purify Libya) house by house
(purify Libya) home by home
(purify Libya) corner by corner
(purify Libya) person by person
The bell has rung for action
The bell has rung for marching
The bell has rung for triumph
There is no turning back.
Forward. Forward. Revolution. Revolution.
>> The 3rd stage of drug addiction is BARGAINING:
NBC: Many are standing hours outside banks to collect a $400 handout from
NBC: Many in the Libyan opposition showed contempt. They don't want Gaddafi's
money, and cut his picture from the bill.
Stewart: Colonel, here's the thing. At this point, all your people are going to
do with $400 is hit you with more expensive shoes. "Manolo Blahnik says hello,
you tyrant son of a ****"
>> And finally, there's Gaddafi's combination of DENIAL and NEGOTIATION:
BBC: He was asked if he'd ever leave the country.
Gaddafi: If they want me to step down, what do I step down from? I'm not a
monarch or a king. Libya is a state of the masses. I don't have any position. I
don't lead Libya.
Stewart: Whoa. That is some existential ****. "You can't fire Muammar Gaddafi,
because Muammar Gaddafi does not exist". No wonder you're wearing
>> Then, the international community had no choice but to condemn their friend
Clinton: Colonel Gaddafi's brutal attacks on his own people are unacceptable
and will not be tolerated.
Barack Obama: Muammar Gaddafi has lost the legitimacy to lead and he must leave.
PressTV: The full weight of the U.N. General Assembly came crashing down on
Libya Tuesday, as the North African country was suspended from the Human Rights
Stewart: What the ****. Libya was on the Human Rights Council? Libya? Libya,
this guy was on the Human Rights Council? By the way, "suspended" from the Human
Rights Council? What would he have to do to be "expelled" from the Human Rights
Council? Hold on, were they there as a cautionary tale? Like, as you were
talking about torture, every now and again, someone would go "you know, like hm,
>> This violence was too much for his former allies or his own people to stand
at his side, but worst of all for Gaddafi:
NBC: The violence may have been too much, even for Gaddafi's Ukrainian
nurse, once described in a leaked U.S. cable as a voluptuous blond, always at
his side. Now, she's returned to Kiev.
Colbert: He's become so unpopular, that even his face is running away from him.
No surprise Gaddafi is not backing down. He told Portuguese television: "If the
world gets crazy with us, we will get crazy too". Ladies and Gentlemen, Muammar
Gaddafi is about to tap into his strategic crazy reserve.
>> And Gaddafi lost the support of many in his own military when he had them
fire on civilians:
NBC: The tide turned last Thursday, when Gaddafi's forces fired on unarmed
Libyans holding an anti-government sit-in next to a mosque. It was enough to
make some troops switch sides.
Colbert: I cannot wait for the protesters to storm the Presidential Palace,
because we'll finally see a dictator brought to justice, freedom for an
oppressed people, and with any luck, Gaddafi's posse of 40 to 50 women
bodyguards in action. Imagine, ordinary Libyans breaching the walls of Gaddafi's
palace, their triumphant yells, only to be met by the menacing click-clack of 5
inch, razor sharp stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6 foot tall Liby-Amazons.
It'll be like a Janet Jackson video.
>> But with Gaddafi's military assault at the door of Bengazi, the U.N. declared
a no-fly zone over Libya:
Colbert: Tonight, the escalating conflict in Libya. Good news troops,
(satire) you're getting out of Afghanistan. The U.N. passed a resolution calling
for a cease-fire, (satire) and since then the U.S., France and Britain have not
NBC: Following airstrikes by French fighter jets, U.S. and British naval vessels
launched at least 110 Tomahawk Cruise Missiles.
Stewart: We're at war? Again? Another **** war, and launched on the anniversary
of the Iraq war. Is that what you get a war for its anniversary? Another war?
Don't we already have 2 wars? Wars aren't kids, where you don't have to pay
attention to the youngest one, because the older 2 will take care of it. It's
not a baby war.
>> And skepticism about the motives behind U.S. involvement in Libya is
widespread in the Arab world with good reason:
Abdel Bari Atwan: I have to be skeptical because we don't know the agenda
behind that, where it will end, how Libya will be after that.
Mervat Mohsen: The Americans, from history at least, is telling us that they
always intervene when oil is at stake.
>> So the semantic acrobatics by U.S. officials is really no surprise, in this:
WAR IN LIBYA.
Colbert: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, explained
NBC: As you've said, any no-fly zone begins with an act of war. Admiral, are we
at war with Libya?
Admiral Mullen: We are actually, started yesterday, a limited operation and
narrow in scope, focused on supporting the U.N. Security Council Resolution,
which very specifically focused on humanitarian efforts, protecting the
civilians in Libya.
Colbert: I'm sorry, he's right. So now, I should continue my coverage of:
LIMITED OPERATION and, and narrow in scope focused on supporting the U.N.
Security Council Resolution which very specifically focused on humanitarian
efforts protecting the civilians IN LIBYA.
Stewart: The U.S. Military now finds itself at war on 3 fronts
Aasif Mandvi: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about "war"?
This is merely a coalition partnership imposing a no-fly zone.
Stewart: Aasif, we're not just grounding planes, here. We've destroyed entire
columns of tanks.
Mandvi: That, coalition partners have now ensured me, will never fly again.
>> Then there's the question of who is leading this military action:
NBC: In Libya, President Obama announces the U.S. will now lead military action.
Mandvi: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about "led by"?
Clinton: We did not lead this.
Obama: Indeed, our British and French allies, and members of the Arab League,
have already committed to take a leadership role in the enforcement of this
Stewart: How many missiles did the U.S. fire yesterday?
Stewart: How many did Britain fire yesterday?
>> While the U.S. government motives are suspect, everyone in the world still
hopes that Gaddafi fails.